uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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