I got chris browned last night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
