Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
