I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
