Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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