I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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