Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
