Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
