What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
3 2 1 whiskey
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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