So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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