how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
