I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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