Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
