Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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