whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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