and she was petting her beer can
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
