I've blown a few things in my day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
