my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
