why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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