seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
