i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm having to shit out rocks
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
