If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
