My liver just broke up with me...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize