i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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