I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
