I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we're making bets on your personal life
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
