How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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