R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
