I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
