Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
