I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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