I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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