My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The air was thick with penises
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
