you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
