I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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