I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
