Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
