It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
But we have bathrooms and they dont
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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