I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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