no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
