Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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