every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
