She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i drank out of a bidet.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
