They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
