ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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