I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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