Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
