When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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