my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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