i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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