She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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