I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
birth control should be required to get into college
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
