So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
