So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
