My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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