so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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