Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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