i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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