All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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